Conflict as a Battle of Ambitions

A joke. Two guys are lying in two coffins. They’d made a bet: whoever jumps farther out the window of a speeding train wins. So? So the one in the right-hand coffin won.

At times our ambitions and our ego walk us into situations there’s no longer an easy way out of. How does it happen?

Say a potential conflict appears. Someone makes the first move: writes a letter, a complaint, a grievance, a formal claim. The wording comes out too harsh, or too cutting — or it doesn’t even rest on solid ground.

Then comes the answer, and the conflict catches fire. At some point it either turns personal on its own, or someone — by accident or on purpose — lands a personal insult. And from there, as the saying goes, “when the family’s honor is at stake, money is no object.” The story spirals downward, each side trying to do more damage to the other, pouring in ever larger resources.

And once someone starts to feel cornered, or like they’ve “lost face,” the retaliation can turn desperately out of proportion.

By the time the “war machine” is running — connections pulled, resources sunk — everyone looks back and can’t quite believe how far it went, or what a trifle it started from. How did a spark become a roaring fire?

Heading off potential conflicts is an important skill. How do we put it into practice?

— Look at every action through the eyes of the other side, the emotional level first. Could I accidentally give offense? Is it worth a quick conversation before I do anything?

— Forecast the other side’s moves and every way the situation might unfold, the worst ones included.

Almost always it’s worth trying to smother these conflicts in the cradle — it’s faster and cheaper. Step over yourself and your ego, open a dialogue, offer paths to a solution and to peace. Don’t stop trying, even if the other side refuses at first. Look for mediators, dial down the emotional charge. Do everything reasonably within your power on your end.

I’ve landed in tricky spots myself, and I’m convinced that conflicts not tied to direct competition only drain the organization and drain us.

Here’s what I’ve done to keep these cases from happening:

— One of the KPIs in the organization is safety, and one of its metrics is the prevention of conflict situations and the absence of “smoldering” conflicts.

— One of our corporate values: “Leave no conflict (or unspoken tension) open, especially one rooted in personal offense. There must not be a single counterparty or person from whom trouble can be expected: revenge, aggression, reports to the authorities, and so on. And with unreasonable people, it’s easier to apologize and move on.”

— A rule in negotiations: never cross over into personal insults.

— Calling on all colleagues and partners to be diplomatic, courteous and pragmatic.

Ego and ignorance are our chief enemies. You never fully know what an opponent is ready to do once they’ve lost their head.

Here’s to keeping our conflicts from escalating into a battle of ambitions! 😎