On Emotional Support

We can be as highly motivated as we like, but all of us need support in our different states — the good ones and the bad ones alike.

I tend to mark out three levels of support, and each one says something about how deep the bond between two people really runs:

— Support in success. Something worked out, we achieved something or got over a hurdle. People cheer us on: “you did it,” “you’re a winner.” Simple enough.

— Support in the process. We’re moving forward, running into obstacles, worrying, solving problems. People keep us going: “you’ve got this,” “you’ll pull it off.”

— Support in despair. We’ve started to doubt our own strength, we’re ready to throw it all away, we’re on the edge of breaking down. At a moment like that, a plain “don’t give up” no longer works. We aren’t waiting for advice — we’re waiting to be accepted, to feel emotionally safe, to feel needed. Once we’ve lived through that state and come out the other side, we find the strength to start climbing again.

There’s one more kind of support I’d set apart: the kind we need when we’re in a situation or a state that’s our own personal “rock bottom.” All of us carry dark sides, unresolved complexes, old wounds, vices, ugly traits. In the moments those weaknesses surface, we can behave in ways that are utterly unbecoming — for ourselves, and at times for the people around us — and then regret it, blame ourselves, kick ourselves for it.

I’m not talking about encouraging any of that. I’m talking about the times when we’re consciously fighting it in ourselves. What matters then? That nobody judges us or rubs our face in the dirt on top of our own self-flagellation — even if, from the outside, we look repellent, and the judgment would be perfectly fair and deserved — but says instead: “I’m with you,” “I’m right here.” The post-mortem can wait an hour, or a day, until the emotions settle and reason takes over. And this, I’d say, is the deepest, almost intimate level of support there is.

Here’s to all of us growing — and not just finding people who’ll support us in any state, but becoming that support for others! 😎