On Empathy

We hear all the time how important empathy is when dealing with other people. But what is it, really, and how do we actually put it to use?

Empathy often gets misread as the ability to feel exactly what another person feels. That’s a toxic take. Living through someone else’s grief alongside them is not just harmful — it’s useless. How can you offer support if both of you are sitting in the same unbalanced state of mind?

The right understanding of empathy is the ability to rationally recognize what another person is feeling — to step into their shoes psychologically, or to read their state from the outward signs — and then to put those feelings into words.

For example, if the non-verbal signals tell us someone is anxious, we can say: “It seems like you’re worried about… What exactly is troubling you?”

I prefer to avoid first-person phrases like “I can see that you’re angry,” so as not to tie myself to the situation. It helps me stay neutral and keeps me from creating the false impression of some subjective meddling. Because if you say “I can see what you’re feeling,” it can provoke the reaction: “You see it — so what?”

The phrase “I feel your pain” isn’t empathy either. We can’t actually feel another person’s emotions. And the question “Do you feel pain?” isn’t empathy — it’s more an attempt to impose a reading without having done the work of figuring it out yourself.

It’s far better to use neutral constructions like: “It seems that…”, “It looks like…”, “It’s as though…”, “Probably…”, “Almost as if…” Phrases like these leave room for being wrong — because we can never be absolutely certain of our read.

At times it helps to reach for an imagined situation: “Of course, when you give it everything and see no result, you feel helpless…” This builds a bridge to the feelings without pinning them to the person.

Empathy isn’t only about support — it’s about boundaries too. Being able to sympathize without getting pulled in emotionally is the key to keeping your own inner balance.

An example from my own life: once I had a fight over food that had been ordered without me. The menu didn’t match my expectations at all, and I voiced my displeasure — which set off an emotional reaction from the person who’d handled the order. Of course I was in the wrong, but the conflict was already blazing. I had to do something, fast! I gathered myself and said: “It seems like you feel this is unfair — you spent so much time choosing, you organized everything, and I dismissed all that care.” The answer came instantly: “Yes, I do feel it’s unfair. I’m hurt. I tried, I wanted the best, but I’m not a mind reader — I can’t guess what you’re thinking.” Just a few sentences, and the heat went out of it, and warm, normal conversation came back.

Here’s to more empathy for us all! 😎