On Feedback

For years I avoided giving people honest feedback — I was haunted by the urge to smooth the sharp edges and “sugar-coat the pill.” Probably some unconscious wish to look kinder, or a fear of hurting the other person. But in practice that approach hurt both of us: I carried whole layers of unspoken words and emotions inside, and people never fully understood what I expected of them, never got any ground to grow from.

And of course I’ve been on the receiving end of the same “gentle” treatment, many times over. We all know this game of hints and talking around the point.

Giving honest feedback is a hard skill — it takes courage, tact and empathy. But today we’ll talk about something even trickier: the ability to receive that feedback. And, naturally, I don’t mean the flattering kind.

Let’s start with the red flags. If, the moment the comments land, a person starts explaining why it isn’t so, marshalling arguments and excuses — that’s a warning sign. Especially when the exchange comes with aggression or interruptions: he parries mid-sentence, cuts in with his own lines. The ego takes over. And you can always tell when someone ends up exactly where he started, still holding his own opinion — which means no conclusions will be drawn.

Ideally, you hear feedback out in silence. Then you ask for details, note a few things to yourself. And… you say thank you. Maybe part of what you heard is worth discussing — but a few days later, once the emotions have settled and the subconscious has absorbed the gist.

It’s important to understand: feedback doesn’t have to be accurate or fair — it’s another person’s feelings and perception. They can be anything at all, and the value is precisely in the differences, not in where you happen to agree.

Talking through even the most unpleasant moments together, oddly enough, more often brings people closer than it drives them apart — provided both sides are reasonable, of course. Which, by the way, is itself a fine test of whether they are.

Believe me, the last people we want around us are the ones who can’t hear. And how fast we drift away from them feeds directly into the quality of our business and our life.

Here’s to taking feedback as a gift — even when what we hear stings. Because that’s exactly how we widen our own perception, seeing ourselves “through the other person’s eyes,” and find a direction to grow! 😎