On Sociability

How do I build my social ties? I’m a manifesting introvert. I can sit quietly with my own things for days on end — buried in work, hobbies, research — and then suddenly turn up at a party, light everyone up with my charisma, become the soul of the evening, and just as quickly vanish back into my own world to store up energy for the next round of people.

To some I might look a little antisocial. I don’t chase new contacts “at any cost,” and I don’t go looking for loud events with crowds of people. I spend most of my time at the office or at home, and instead of small talk I’d rather read — mostly scientific papers and material that gives the mind something to chew on.

At times it genuinely irritates me that most books on networking put the number of contacts first and their quality second. My own experience says the opposite: the more people in the room, the less depth in the conversation. And for me the value is precisely in the depth. Better to spend an hour with one person and build a real connection than to shake a hundred hands in an evening.

When you actually need help in life, it usually comes from one truly close person — not from someone among a thousand surface-level acquaintances.

I’ve always preferred quiet gatherings of a few people, where there’s time for everyone, where no one has to shout or cut in to be heard. Past six people the conversation almost always slides into household topics or gossip.

Back when I was young, when some of my friends were into clubs, loud parties, and proud of their “drinking ties” with “serious people,” I’d ask myself: “What will I learn that’s new if I spend the evening on this?” And most of the time the answer was — nothing.

I never had rituals like the weekly trip to the banya with friends. It probably does bring people closer, but I always chose something else. At first I’d get invited, then the invitations stopped. Sometimes I felt a pang of regret, but I understood: I’m just wired differently.

I’m convinced that the truly valuable connections aren’t born from endless networking, but from doing your own work well. When you become a master, the right people show up on their own — through projects, shared partners, and friends.

My “antisocial” streak eventually led to about three thousand contacts in my phone. Whether that’s a lot or a little, I don’t know — I’ve never compared with anyone.

On the other hand, there are connector people — they know everyone and introduce everyone. That’s their gift, their element. And it’s worth having friends like that, if you yourself are cut from different cloth.

There’s no “right” or “wrong” in any of this. There are different paths. Through being public, and through pointed, deep connections. All of them can work, as long as they match our nature and our inner sense of comfort.

Here’s to building our social ties in harmony with ourselves — and to not being afraid to walk our own path! 😎