The Psychology of Identical People

All my life I’ve gone by one principle: everyone has the right to act as they please, and so do I — especially when it crosses no one else’s personal boundaries.

Ever since I started writing on Stoicism, I’ve been listening to more podcasts with psychologists, psychiatrists, neuroscientists, and other doctors and researchers who study our mental health.

On the one hand, I’ve discovered a wealth of remarkable information that keeps inspiring me. On the other hand, I’ve been struck by how many popular theories and opinions get broadcast that could — in my subjective, non-professional view — do real harm.

I tried to systematize a few traits these ideas tend to share:

— Black-and-white thinking — everything is either black or white, no half-tones, no shades in between.

— Labeling — say a certain thing, think it, or do it, and you’re automatically filed into a category.

— Turning things into absolutes — if it’s true in one case, then it must be true always and everywhere.

— Zero tolerance for mistakes — the smallest slip calls for the harshest possible punishment.

— Instructions, or autopilots — if X happens, then do as told, no other options.

The trouble is that human lives are very complex, tangled constructions. There isn’t a single perfect person — and there’s no need for one! It’s precisely our imperfection that binds us together, because by combining our qualities we grow stronger. In a perfect world, families and relationships wouldn’t be needed at all — why would they, if everyone were equally flawless?

In most cases people act out of their specific situation, not out of some ideal picture. I’ve caught myself starting to judge someone, too — and the moment I looked deeper into their world, it became clear that almost anyone would have done the same in their place.

Of course, none of this cancels the striving to change and the daily work on ourselves. But it’s one thing to sit through the sermons of moralists who, on seeing a person in trouble, judge them on top of it for how they got there, loading them with guilt. And it’s another thing entirely to come at it from the stance: “Okay, I’m in this situation, and flogging myself over how I ended up here won’t help right now. It’s already happened. I accept myself, I accept what’s going on, and I love myself even in this moment. What can I do next? How do I change so this doesn’t repeat in the future?”

What if the whole point isn’t to spend our lives and energy living up to ideals someone else wrote down? What if we shifted the focus to learning how to live effectively in the real, imperfect world — accepting and even encouraging our individual quirks and little oddities, as long as they bring joy and make us happier?

Most likely the truth is somewhere in the middle. On the one hand, whoever we are, there will always be people with whom we fit like a perfect puzzle — in love or in work. On the other, it’s our own qualities that determine which people such a puzzle is even possible with. Without changes in ourselves, that circle of “potential faces” won’t change either.

“If I am like everyone else, then who will be like me?” — author unknown.

Here’s to growing our own identity — and loving ourselves exactly as we are! 😎