A Pragmatist's Guide to Choosing a Spouse in the Modern World

What questions might we ask ourselves before we make — or accept — a proposal (or simply step into a relationship)?

Disclaimer: none of us are perfect. Millions of people live happily without ever asking such cynical questions, and I’d ask you to take them as nothing more than a way to organize the information — a philosophy, not a checklist for the prosecution.

— Meet the family and the parents. Who are they? How did they live with each other? Is theirs a happy family? What do they value? What’s the genetics like — parents, grandparents? What might your children look like, and what hereditary conditions might they carry? It isn’t the money in the parents’ home that matters, but the values, the decency, the education. You’ll be surprised how deeply a parent’s beliefs are rooted in the child.

— Check the person in the public arena. The world is now such that “murky” pursuits have no long-term future, and if someone makes no effort to build even a minimal public image and reputation, the question arises: why is that, and is everything here clean? Reputation is everything!

— Ask about goals and plans for the next 5, 10, 50 years. How ambitious are they, and how do they line up with your own aspirations? Do you really want one of those people who “retired at 30,” “stepped away from it all,” the downshifters? Right now they may be enjoying their success and their calm, but soon enough the skills — and with them the old achievements — will fade fast.

— Confirm that the business or the position actually exists (if there is one), even if it’s still a startup or a junior role. What matters is precisely that the person’s words match reality.

— How does the person grow? Do they read books? Take new courses? Do they have a system for continuous development? If not — where will they be in five years?

— The landscape of values. What values and ideals does the person hold? How kind are they by nature? How decent and how level-headed?

— How do they support you? Morally, emotionally, energetically?

— Check the past. The most important thing is that it should look whole, and everything should add up in your head: why things are the way they are. For example, if a seemingly successful man past 30 has never married and never had a happy, lasting relationship — what’s off? Where’s the catch? Or he tells you about a thriving business, but where is that business now? Check whether the person has done anything truly terrible in the past.

— Meet the circle. What social circle does the person move in? What do those people value? Where are they headed? Do they drag them down or, on the contrary, push them forward? How big are their ambitions? How do they rest? How do they “sin” — alcohol, drugs, sex?

— What does the person say about their exes, and how did they part? They’ll talk about you the same way, and they’ll part with you the same way. How did they choose their partners? Was the choosing any good? There’s nothing terrible about people growing apart over time; the question is — how? If someone has a trail of scandalous divorces where the ex-wives and children were left, or nearly left, without the shirt on their back, it’s unlikely anything will be different for you if things don’t work out.

— A sense of humour — a sign of intelligence.

— What the body feels. Does your body want this person, on the level of hormones? Usually you feel it in the first five minutes of meeting, when the animal instinct fires (or doesn’t) — and that instinct is far “smarter” than our reason. What’s your sexual compatibility? Will you be satisfied with this person in bed, or do you sense that something will be missing, that you’ll keep thinking about it, sublimating it, or looking for it elsewhere? Ideally, better to trade your boldest fantasies outright.

— What do you admire in this person? What unique skills or traits do they have? What sets them apart from everyone else? What do you want to learn from them?

— The inner core and the format of relating. How self-sufficient is the person? Why do they want a relationship at all? How good do they feel with themselves, with no relationship in the picture? Is a new relationship just a way to paper over their own insecurities? Are there any early signs of a toxic, psychologically unhealthy dynamic? Do they pressure you, force the pace, make demands, build false expectations already at the very start?

— How does the person court you? Is it the buying of your favour — sometimes of your body — through gifts, or is it something deeper and sincere?

— Signs from the universe. Better to trust them! When you meet someone worth your attention, you won’t miss it; the world itself seems to steer the two of you toward each other. It’s the opposite cases that deserve a closer look — when the relationship is not the natural course of things but some artificially forced story. How harmonious and how lasting is something like that?

— How do people from the circles you aspire to speak — or would speak — of your partner? The “dinner at the president’s” test: how comfortable would you be arriving at events like that with this person?

— Could I meet more worthy candidates in the future, if my most ambitious plans to grow and move forward come true? Won’t I regret a hasty choice?

— What’s your age gap? Are you ready to accept your partner’s body and health years from now, if they’re significantly older than you?

— Does the person accept you as you are, unconditionally? Are there signs that they expect some other personality from you?

— What “red flags” do you see? Often they’re in the small things, in the details, but you feel that something is off — listen to those feelings! Most likely, something really is off!

— Do you want to have children with this person?

The question: where in this list is love? Love is the main thing, isn’t it? Yes, no argument there, but:

1. I don’t like to throw that word around, because it carries so many shades and so many subjective readings.

2. Love isn’t the same as infatuation, where hormones run the whole show and cloud the mind. Some infatuation is a non-negotiable ingredient; without it, there’s no point asking any questions at all.

3. Love, in my view, isn’t what’s there at the start of a relationship — it’s what gets built together over the years: the emotions lived through, the shared experience, the closeness, the things achieved side by side, the hardships overcome.

By way of conclusion…

It’s not that I’m such a bore about relationships. But when people throw themselves headlong into the deep end without having asked themselves at least some of these questions… that raises even more questions!

There are millions of people in the world who spat on all this logic and live happily, soul to soul — but there are also, sadly, millions of unhappy couples who simply met somehow… and off it went, and then the fear of ending up alone (and later the children, too) kept them from climbing out. So they live on, carrying the relationship like a cross.

Knowing how to say “no” to a relationship that doesn’t fit — and, on the other side, how to accept a “no” — are signs of a healthy and mature person!

Here’s to love! ❤️