On Fighting for What's Yours

Every so often people tell me “no.” Sometimes that “no” looks perfectly reasonable, and I accept it — at least for the moment. But often, especially in everyday situations, it doesn’t feel to me like there’s anything solid behind it beyond laziness, or a reluctance to take one extra step or check one extra thing.

— Can I sit at that table over there? — No, it’s reserved.

— Could I have this dish made a little differently? — No, we have a standard recipe.

— Can I go through here instead of that line? — No, get in line with everyone else.

— Could I get a different room? — All the rooms are taken.

…and countless others just like them.

It’s always easy to agree with the “no” right away and let it go — but is it worth it? A follow-up question often reveals that the table isn’t reserved for now but for two hours from now, and you only need one. The cook will happily make the dish another way if you simply ask. Your request really does belong at a different window, and you don’t have to wait in the general line at all. And that other room was just cleaned and ready for check-in. All it takes is to open a conversation and ask for a little extra effort.

Unfortunately, such requests are sometimes met with emotion — open irritation, contempt, at times even aggression:

— I already said “no,” does that word have some other meaning?!

And here everything depends on us. Some will let it go and not “make a fuss” — and that’s great too. Others will go after what they want, ideally when it doesn’t run against common sense and the result is worth the energy spent on it.

I sometimes hear the criticism that I can be uncomfortable to be around, that the people with me feel stressed when I dig in “like a tank.” Maybe I really do go too far at times, especially when it’s obvious the other person’s reasoning doesn’t hold up and they’re simply being lazy. But I want to get what I came for, with my own money. So what do you do in a situation like that?

We all have a different tolerance for stress. What is, to me, just clarifying information and a “call to action” can look to someone else like a conflict. And I respect that difference. But at the same time, my inner dialogue keeps asking me: I get one life — why should I give up on what I want every time someone tells me “no”? What do I lose if I try to stand my ground a little?

The most important question is — how much of this is part of my character? Because it’s one thing to push on small matters, where the goal isn’t worth the effort, and quite another in the situations that truly matter, where agreeing to “no” could mean missing something important — maybe even your dream.

It’s worth noting, too, that a philosophical attitude toward refusal — with a light touch of fatalism, an acceptance of the natural course of things — can also lead us to events far more interesting and surprising than we’d counted on in the first place.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle — not being shy about going after what’s yours within reason, but not trying to break through a wall with your head either, taking the “no” as an invitation to walk an alternative path.

Here’s to all of us going after what’s ours — and getting more than we expected! 😎