On Masks and Flattery

I have a friend — we’ve known each other a long time, and at some point we slid from acquaintances into actual friends. Now and then we visit each other. The standard ritual means bringing something for dinner: meat, wine, a dessert — you don’t show up empty-handed.

And then one day he met a man he had a business “interest” in. I happened to overhear the conversation where the man invited him over: “Yes, of course, come by, don’t bring anything, I’ve got everything” — followed by a full inventory of the gastronomic wonders and wines on hand.

The guest was treated to the very best: every delicacy, every dessert, every drink came out. He left full, happy, and a little drunk.

Six months later they had a falling-out, the business never happened — and I was left with a bad aftertaste. It stung to feel like the “useless” friend, while someone just passing through this man’s life got all those honors.

I’m probably not the only one, but some of the strongest friendships of my childhood were with the guys I’d at least once traded a punch in the nose with. Hormones and blood bring people remarkably close, even if, by convention, it’s not considered the best way to make friends. But it was sincere, and it was certainly free of any agenda.

Of course, you can’t help noticing that shared vices and shared secrets bind people tighter than anything else — but that’s a topic for another conversation.

People of money and power spend their lives perfecting one skill above all: spotting masks, insincerity, flattery, the urge to please. I’ll never forget a line I heard in the cigar lounge of the Grand Hyatt Hong Kong, at the Russian–Asian Economic Forum back in 2011, from one of the participants: “The best thing about this crowd is that tomorrow no one will call and try to sell you something or push a loan.”

So it turns out that simply being yourself — not changing your patterns, not bending, not fawning, and just as importantly, not puffing yourself up — is both the best tactic and the best strategy, if the goal is a long-term relationship. Even to clash over your values, then make up, then live through the catharsis — that’s the path of many bonds that last a lifetime. Every couple in a happy marriage has been through it.

As for me, I’ve found a lot of deep emotional connections with people I once came to with something personal on my mind. It’s striking how, to everyone around them, they looked like a rock — and in a private conversation they opened up with the most sensitive stories from their own lives and genuinely helped with their experience and advice. All because I was honest and human — with all my vulnerabilities, no varnish.

Sincerity and the absence of masks always build more long-term relationships than any games do.

Here’s to, as they say, being yourself — everyone else is already taken! 😎