On the Priorities of Responsibility

Every flight, during the safety briefing, we hear that familiar line: “Put your own mask on first, then help your child.” Recently, flying from St. Petersburg to Moscow, I heard the man next to me — an older gentleman, connecting through from Vladivostok — say: “A wonderful rule. Just like in life.” His words stayed with me.

I often notice it around me — and in myself — this hyper-responsibility. Some people seem wired to feel more responsible for others than for themselves. Parents toward their children, spouses toward each other, colleagues at work — in every case we sometimes try to carry too much, forgetting our own foundation of stability.

Where does it come from? Maybe from a shortage of care in childhood, or from the wounds of years when we had to fight for everything on our own. Maybe it’s the fear of repeating someone else’s mistakes.

But hyper-responsibility isn’t a virtue — it’s more of a road to psychological and emotional damage. When we care for others beyond measure, we strip them of the chance to take responsibility for their own lives. We think we’re doing something good, shielding them from hard decisions and mistakes, but in truth we deny them the right to live their own path. As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

How many stories there are of parents who “sacrifice themselves” for their children, and then, once the children grow up, present them with the bill: “I gave you the best years of my life.” And they hear back a perfectly reasonable question: “And who asked you to?”

For a long time I too worried more about others than about myself. And then I’d take offense when my expectations didn’t match reality. Meanwhile, my own life had its gaps — corners where chaos and irresponsibility quietly ruled.

Psychologically mature people make agreements with one another, take responsibility for themselves, and keep their commitments. That approach is what keeps things honest and balanced.

So it is in life: first we put on our own oxygen mask. We tend to our emotional state, our needs, our own life. Only then do we help others, no matter how close they are. Otherwise we risk losing the one thing that matters most — our own footing, without which our help can’t be of any real use.

Here’s to taking care of ourselves first, so we can then truly help those around us! 😎