On Honesty with Yourself

Probably one of the hardest, and at the same time most valuable, traits of character is the ability to catch the moments when we lie to ourselves — and not just to admit it, but to actually do something about it: to consciously guard ourselves against self-deception, and to act on the situation it created.

You’d think — why would we ever deceive ourselves? But in reality everyone does it, to some degree. And now and then I meet people in whom the self-deception reaches truly staggering proportions.

First, it’s convenient. Deep down we may sense that we have a problem, but if we imagine it isn’t there, or hide the details, or play down how much it matters, or put the decision off for later, or even invent a virtual solution (one that stays forever unrealized) — the anxiety quiets down in the moment. Why take on extra stress here and now, right?

Second, it spares us from making the hard choice. Honesty with yourself demands decisions — especially when someone, or even we ourselves, is breaking our values. It feels easier to blur those values, to write ourselves an indulgence, than to tell the truth. We tell ourselves it’s a “white lie.” Especially when other people’s expectations are tangled up in it, or the fear of being judged. And so, step by step, we lose our identity. What’s left at the end?

The most dangerous thing about self-deception is its sweetness, and how easily it becomes a habit. Little by little we start believing our own fantasies. As they pile up, we slip almost unnoticed into a made-up world we built for ourselves. In time the gap with reality grows so deep that fixing things gets harder and harder — you have to cut ever deeper just to climb back out.

At times I meet people who have lied themselves so far in that their lies resemble the annual rings on a tree trunk. With each turn they wrap the old lie in a new one, hoping that one day it’ll all sort itself out. But it’s like playing in a casino: they believe they’ll win it back, when in fact they’re only deepening the collapse. As they say, “everything secret comes to light” — and the ending only turns out more tragic.

The successful people I know try to see the situation, their feelings and their actions as objectively as they possibly can. They use honesty as the ground to act from, however hard and painful that action may seem. They don’t trade themselves away for someone else’s ideals or false goals; they move step by step, pulling out the root causes of the problem.

Gaining honesty with yourself is a challenge for a lifetime, one that takes daily effort. I believe this is a skill you can build, and that in time it becomes an inseparable part of your character. Because honesty with others is impossible without that inner agreement first.

Here’s to all of us finding honesty with ourselves! 😎